You get what you need, not what you want

It’s been a long time since I last posted on here, but I feel what better time then when I’m about to embark on my next adventure. Today is the day I have put my first home for sale. I like to think it’s been a home and safe place for laughter, tears, friendship and love for anyone who walked through the door. From mattress surfing to fortnightly roasts, hosting half of town for Christmas dinner, birthdays and everything in between, the house is bursting with memories.

Why? Well it might well be a quarter life crisis, but I’ve never felt so confident in a decision. Those who are close to me know the past few years have not been the best to say the least, a large amount of grief, loss and sadness, albeit squeezed between beautiful moments of love and laughter. I am always one to try and ‘grow through what you go through’ to be clique and take a learning from every experience. I lost myself for a while, but after white knuckling my way through the last few years, I’ve learnt a lot:

⁃ You get what you need, not what you want

⁃ Sometimes you need to let go of the life you planned, to accept the one waiting for you

⁃ You should try and make someone smile everyday, but not forget you are someone too

⁃ In order to love yourself, you can’t hate the experiences and scars that shaped you

⁃ Shine and remember the sun doesn’t give a shit if it blinds you

After what happened, I needed a focus and that was to create a ‘place’ to feel safe, secure and breathe. I fought so desperately, sacrificed, saved, worked my ass off, all whilst fighting and healing in my personal life, and I got there. No Facebook posts, no big announcements, I quietly moved into my house and got to work making it a home, not just for me but for anyone else who needed a safe place.

I always imagined myself meeting someone, having children and growing old in this home. As I’ve said above, you tend to get what you need and not what you want. Whilst I was on the trajectory for my ‘happily ever after’, I hit another hurdle which changed that plan and as a result, acquired a lodger. Who would’ve thought my family I’d imagined living here with would be a beautiful scouse ginger who came for Christmas dinner and never left? Eli.

Eli was also at a place of growth in her life and I couldn’t be more thankful that she arrived in my story when she did. From sharing every laugh, picking up the pieces when tragedy hits, to making sure we never run out of toilet roll, we show up for each other everyday. Except the toilet roll thing, that’s all her.

Over the last year of work and healing, I have finally realised that the safe place I was looking for, I created and it’s not as much the bricks around you, but the memories made inside, the people you make them with.

So why am I selling the house? Now I have to brain space to think what I want for myself, I’ve decided to commit myself fully to falling back in love with life, whatever the cost. This is the first step, but there’s many more to come I’ll share in time. Change and happiness doesn’t come from comfort zones.

I want to end this post by saying I am so grateful for the people I’ve surrounded myself with and their enthusiasm and responses to this decision. I don’t care what I have to lose on this journey, so long as I don’t lose myself again.